david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
