Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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