Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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