Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
did you get engaged???
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
