Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
