I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
