Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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