We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
