Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
What did we do last night that was yellow?
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
