so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
