I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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