I like my sex mixed with concussions.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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