there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
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