they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
