I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
