How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
