When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
