if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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