I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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