His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
