Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
