Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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