and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
You are the jesus of drinking
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Randomize
