I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
