I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
