we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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