I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
That accounts for only three of the penises
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
