We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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