And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
