i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
