my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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