i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I lost the right to judge tonight
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
