I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
