my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Randomize
