You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
