I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
