captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
