so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
