Moan for me like Helen Keller
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
