you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
