I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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