I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
