I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
