I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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