Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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