I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
