i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Randomize
