Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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