the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
