she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Let's paint friendship bongs
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
