I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
