hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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