Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
