How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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