listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I feel like death gave me a hand job
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
