Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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