I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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